Lustful Literature

Craig Whitley Enjoying a a Browse and Possibly a Boner!

Boner Hampers Academic Pursuit

Tallahassee, Florida - When Craig Whitley made the resolution to read more in 2005,
he had no idea he would be distracted so easily by thoughts of the flesh. Thoughts,
he says, along with "a raging boner," have all but ruined his goals of reading one
novel per week.

"I went on Amazon and bought all the classics," the 21-year-old Florida State
University junior said. "I was going to be one of those guys who has read Moby
Dick and Oliver Twist and every great book that followed. But after a few pages,
my mind would drift, and no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't ignore the
boner."According to Whitley, he made it all the way to page 210 in War and Peace,
a record to date. However, when he began reading Nabokov's Lolita, he noticed
the boner around three paragraphs down the first page.

"I feel like I'm constantly at war with my boner," Whitley says. "Sure, I can try
to ignore it for a little while but it seems the more I try to ignore it, the more
distracting it becomes. It's really taken over my life."

Whitley considered switching his major from English to one where his boner
wouldn't interfere with his reading, but quickly realized he couldn't get through
chemistry or math text books without experiencing problems.

"When that didn't work, I joined Oprah's Book Club and, well, that turned out to
be a really, really bad idea. I'm not sure what it was, but the combination of strong
female characters and uplifting stories made my boner twice as bad."

"I think it's the quiet time that's the biggest problem. My boner just doesn't like
all the silence. I always thought reading books would be great 'me time', but turns
out it's really just 'me-and-my-raging-boner time.'"