Brokeback Memories

I've just downloaded and watched Brokeback Mountain which
despite it's slow start eventually redeemed itself albeit
in the very latter parts of the movie by tying up the overall
theme and meaning.

I'm going to break my usual style of blogging and actually post
something more personal - a bit of a challenge for me in truth.

The movie brought back some sweet and sour memories of my own
sexuality issues and 'coming out'. Despite popular belief, being
'Queer' is certainly not a lifestyle choice and although I realise
that this isn't the PC thing to say but given the choice I'd rather
not be gay. The reason is very simple in that it has made my life
more complicated and difficult than it otherwise would have been.
It's not the state of being gay that causes this but rather others
reaction / prejudice to it.


A few years ago I lived with a woman who I loved very much despite
becoming more and more aware of my feelings for other men. It's
difficult to explain this part unless you've experienced it but I
kidded myself that I wasn't really gay whilst at the same time in
the back of my mind knowing that I was and that I needed to address
it both for my own sake and for the sake of my then partner.

At this point I'd had a couple of one night stands with men who I
picked up in gay bars but felt uncomfortable (because I wasn't one
of them-right?) and had the most enormous subsequent feelings of guilt.
The guilt was partly caused by my cheating but more as a result of my
being a 'queer boy'.

Around this time - Enter a straight guy who I will call Jack for the
purposes of this post. Jack was two years younger than I and was quite
popular with the girls because he was pretty handsome and great to be with.
He did, however, drink to excess on occassions and this became worse over
time. We got on great and often went out drinking together and clubbing.
One night we came back to mine (my G/F in bed) and we sat on the couch,
started a bit of play fighting, then kissed.

It's a very long story but one which eventually resulted in my
splitting with my partner, him going through family hell and being admitted to
alcohol rehab'. Subsequently, we met up on more than one occassion - even
was introduced to his g/f (who actually knew about our past). The last time
I saw him was 2 years ago when we bumped into each other by chance but the
chemistry was still there - he stayed with me and I kind of rejected him the
next day because I had a b/f and he was still with a girl.


Here's the thing - I still love him and think about him every day. I pushed
him away because of my own insecurities and now I'm trying through various
websites to find out where he is. I've been emailed his address by somebody
who checked the UK electoral role and it's possibly him. Maybe he's married
who knows? But he will always be my Brokeback memory and who knows if I
get the balls to write maybe he'll have forgiven me and reply.

Or maybe he'll always remain just a memory.....

"I aint queer you know" - "no me neither" .